I told myself I wouldn't reach out to explain... but I guess the lack of closure really kills me. We've been through this so many times. Three months of mistrust and I'm always the one to blame. Not enough time alone, me going out too much, me not being affectionate enough, me being flirted with, me being jealous, me making you jealous. I dropped a few tears last night when you told me it was over. Not because my heart was broken this time, but because I feel mistrusted once more. This "stupid" that you felt for me obviously has no legitimacy if you can throw it away so quickly without giving me a chance to at least talk about it. You will never trust me nor have you ever. THAT is what hurts about this. I've spent the past few months walking on egg shells because I expected that at some point you one care enough about me to WANT to hear me talk, WANT to understand where I come from. I hear you out when you have problems with how I act, and I work on changing them. All I hear from you is "I'm sorry", or you are asking me to apologize for something. Then it's "be yourself". You've created this relationship on a basis that it is constantly never good enough. I'm sorry I'm not those other girls you got so comfortable and in love with. I know you didn't want to be in a relationship in the beginning, and I was really excited when you seemed to change your mind about it. I guess I should have guessed. You never really wanted it to be so serious with me and it never could have gotten that way. You won't let it. You can sit around thinking I'm going to be "hooking up with my 'new friends'" or inviting lots of boys to my bed. That just proved that you never wanted to learn the real me. So sad. That is so sad. THAT is why I dropped a few tears. My perception of the relationship we had was not what it really was. Or was going to be. Maybe I'm not as simple and predictable as your 90210 friends, but I'm just as good as them. I'm thoroughly disappointed in the way things have ended up. Part of me wishes you won't read this, so you won't feel cornered or hurt by my words, but the other part of me... the part of me that knows I deserve better is making this post knowing you will probably read it. There is so much more going on in my head. The regret, the sadness that things didn't go the way I wanted them to. The fact that I really DO like you and have had a lot of good times with you. I just realize that half the time I'm worried that I'm hurting you. Sorry I wasn't what you wanted, and I'm sorry you can never trust me. What a shame.



A fucking shame.